The way we communicate impacts our sense of safety

Here’s the next level of nervous system regulation

Photo by Gary Barnes via Pexels

Many thanks to Gareth, for showing up and chatting to me in the kitchen just when I was open and receptive. Our conversation inspired this piece.

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The rest of the post will be locked for paid subscribers. Once a month, I’ll post a whole article for free.

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Have you noticed how the company of certain people helps you relax more than others? Some interactions just leave you feeling nourished and calm. Others — seemingly not that different — induce a subtle state of anxiety, restlessness, and unease.

Yet, you don’t understand why.

One explanation self-improvement culture uses is calling people “toxic” or “energetic vampires.” This posits that there are certain types of humans you should avoid. They will drain your energy. They will leave you feeling depleted and generally bring more harm then benefit.

I don’t like that frame of mind. Call me naïve, but I believe most people have good intentions. And even if their impact on you isn’t what you wish, walking away isn’t the only option.

Often, people who make you feel uneasy are those you really care about. And, it’s typically not due to their malintent that you feel uncomfortable. It can simply be certain communication practices they’re using that unconsciously trigger you.

Heck — you may be doing things in your communication that trigger them. This creates a feedback loop where you subtly but surely activate each other’s nervous systems into a threat response.

The good news is that you can learn to notice and negotiate those communication cues. You can shape them that they encourage feelings of safety and relaxation — instead of threat.

This is what I hope to empower you to do with this article. Are you ready for a tour?

How nervous system responds to relational dynamics

As our point of departure, let’s state the obvious.

The way we communicate — verbally and nonverbally — impacts our nervous systems. This is reflected in the levels of comfort and safety we feel with each other.

As noted in the 3 Principles of The Polyvagal Theory, “we naturally, and unconsciously, send signals of safety or danger to each other which either encourage or discourage the reduction of psychological and physical distance that operationally defines social engagement behaviors.”

We’re interconnected — our communication practices and feelings of safety are joined at a hip. The problem is, the communication we exchange is often unconscious and hence hard to put a finger on.

Stephen Porges developed the Polyvagal Theory to describe links between different states of human nervous system and social behaviours. He conceptualized this by describing three main circuits of our autonomous nervous system (ANS): relaxed, immobilized, and mobilized. The mobilized and immobilized get activated when danger is perceived. This causes the body to go into fight/flight, or shutdown response.

The relaxed state induces something Porges calls “social engagement system.” This is when we can feel curious, receptive, and generally open to connection with others. Our nervous system perceives the situation as safe.

It’s not a clear-cut distinction. As you can see below, there are also hybrid states, where the functioning of the circuits overlap:

Image by Polyvagal Institute

Let’s think of the mobilized and immobilized states as “threat responses” for a moment. As I’m sure you know from your own life, they often get activated not because there’s actual threat — but because we pick up on something that reminds us of a danger from the past.

It’s helpful to know how to transition yourself back into to a state of safety. This is what’s often called “self-regulation.” Practices such as conscious breathing or muscle relaxation can be helpful for that.

Self-regulation is certainly a great skill, enabling you to lessen the unnecessary stress in your life. But we can’t consider it in separation of the relational context. An article by Elizabeth Clark-Polner & Margaret S. Clark outlines how psychological processes are linked to social context they’re embedded in:

“Consider a simple example: what happens when a beautiful bouquet of flowers is delivered to a woman’s home? How will she react? It depends on relational context. If the flowers come from a suitor to whom she is attracted, and if she has been hoping the attraction is mutual, acceptance of the flowers and joy will result. If they come from her spouse of 30 years who has sent flowers every week for all those years, she will accept the flowers but may have no emotional reaction. If they come from a suitor who is nice enough but in whom this woman personally has no interest, reluctance to accept them, distress and perhaps feelings of guilt may arise. If they come from a person who has been stalking the woman and against whom she has a protective order, she will refuse the flowers and feel fear and distress.

The point is straightforward: behavior, cognition, and emotion depend on relational context.”

In this example, the woman’s response to the same event (receiving flowers) is impacted by her relational context.

Similarly, our ability to self-regulate is tied to communication with those around us. There are certain cues that support our ANS to go into relaxation. Others can reinforce feeling threatened — and, we don’t always understand why.

Our brains constantly scan the environment, looking for safety. However, because of the human brain’s negativity bias, the majority of people are more susceptible to cues for threat than safety. This was historically more adaptive for survival.

What this means is that many of us don’t feel safe “by default” — especially in this era, when our senses are constantly overstimulated, our natural environment altered, and the levels of social anxiety skyrocket. We pick up on small communication cues that activate the mobilized or immobilized response.

That’s why it’s so important that, for the sake of meaningful relationships, we practice intentional, conscious communication. That we intentionally convey to each other: “It’s safe to be with me.”