Self-disclosure: when, how, and what to say about yourself

A quick guide to skillful sharing that creates closeness

Photo by Gary Barnes via Pexels

Hello Dear Connector,

I’m getting more and more excited about the Authentic Community Leadership Training with Sara Ness and Geof Krum in June.

I’m going to update you more on that — for now, please click “interested” in the Facebook event to stay up to date!

And now, without further ado, let’s jump into today’s post. It’s about how to reveal information about yourself in a way that builds connection and stays within your boundaries… while pushing you towards your growth edge, too!

For the past three years, I spent a lot of time designing connection-generating experiences. A lot of them have been based on revealing information about ourselves.

Sometimes, it really worked. The events I hosted helped us feel open and safe. They made it possible to have an interaction that wouldn’t have otherwise happened.

A lot of the time, we also missed the mark. People either didn’t want to share, or they did it half-heartedly. In those moments, I was observing subtle discomfort. We tried to disclose something in front of each other — but it just didn’t feel right.

Connection happens through sharing personal information with each other. This is called “self-disclosure.”

But not all self-disclosure is created equal. Here’s a little guide on when, how, and what to share to maximize our chances of connection.

Vulnerability is potential for both connection and hurt

First, let’s acknowledge this: disclosing information about yourself is vulnerable. You don’t know how you’re going to be received or feel as a result of sharing.

You’re taking a risk.

Of course, I’m not talking about sharing what you had for breakfast. When I say self-disclosure, I mean revealing the emotional content of your experience. This can feel edgy to various degrees, depending on how comfortable you are with your own feelings and with the other person.

Regardless, when you speak about something that touched you, vulnerability is natural.

It is an interesting word, too. Depending on context, vulnerability can seem like a positive thing or a threat. Within interpersonal psychology, it’s often pictured as a virtue or strength (listen to Brené Brown for the most famous example). But in other situations, we speak of vulnerability as something to avoid — e.g. saying that someone is vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.

At the core, vulnerability is always pointing to a lack of protection.

In some spaces, that’s a dangerous thing. But in a scenario where you look for connection, letting your guard down is essential.

Self-disclosure needs to be consensual

Because of the vulnerability attached self-disclosure, the concept of consent is vital. If you’re going to build connection through sharing personal information, it needs to be done willingly.

When you reveal something you don’t want to, you cross your own boundaries. This is likely to make your body contract and feel threatened — rather than become available for connection.

These days, I’m learning how subtle of a concept consent is. Just because somebody says “yes” out loud doesn’t mean that they are honestly a “yes”.

There are many factors influencing whether you say yes, no, or maybe. Some of them include

• feeling power-over or power-under

• what feels acceptable in a given group culture

• where you’re at on the insider-outsider spectrum in a group

• and many more.

All these can make it confusing to decide if you’re really consenting to disclose information about yourself.

That’s why I find the concept of “embodied consent” helpful. I first learned about it from Dr Hazel-Grace Yates in a facilitation training from Authentic Revolution. Embodied consent means tuning into your body and noticing it’s felt-response in a given situation.

Does it feel like your body is opening up and relaxing at the prospect of sharing?

Or rather, do you notice contraction, hesitation, and tension?

I realized that feeling for expansion and contraction can be a much more helpful way to make decisions that just consulting my thinking mind. It helps me decide what and how to disclose — and make many other decisions.

Structure can support self-disclosure

Self-disclosure can happen spontaneously, but it can also be encouraged by a structure. If you’ve been following my work for a while, you probably know I’m a fan of clear containers that bring a sense of safety.

When you go into an experience knowing what’s coming and that everyone agreed to it, it’s often easier to relax. That’s why Authentic Relating Games work so well. They can offer a frame on things like:

• Why the sharing / self-disclosure will happen

• How long it’s going to last

• When’s your time to speak and listen

• and other aspects of the interaction.

While these may seem like a lot of restrictions, most people I met found them enabling after they’ve tried it.

One famous example of how structure facilitates self-disclosure is dr Arthur Aron’s experiment on generating interpersonal closeness. In the study, scientists had participants pair up and have conversations based on a provided list of 36 questions. One set of questions encouraged small talk, while the other — “deep talk,” based on self-disclosure.

The study found that the pairs of strangers who spent their time answering deep questions, experienced a significant increase in the subjective feeling of interpersonal closeness — aka, connection. The questions provided a sense of safety and holding, which allowed people to focus on each other.

Some people who tried it outside of controlled lab conditions even fell in love!

Remember you have options

Often, the question isn’t simply about whether or not to disclose something.

It may be about the extent to which you want to reveal your experience.

To me, a classic example is when people ask me about my romantic updates when I date somebody. I’m usually happy to share about a new, exciting connection. However, the extent to which I reveal my feelings varies.

One variable is the kinds of questions my friends ask. Usually, I’m more inclined to answer those that were feeling-oriented and open-ended, e.g. How do your feel? What’s been going on in your heart? These usually come from friends who know me well. They make their questions more flexible and less demanding, leaving it up to me how much I wanted to disclose.

Other people ask more bluntly, and about happenings rather than feelings. Some of the questions I dread: How’s the sex? Did you do XYZ on the first date? These usually make me contract. They feel invasive. I notice myself wanting to disclose less — or not even answer them at all.

The point here is, self-disclosure isn’t always simply an either-or decision. You can choose to what layers of depth you want to go with your sharing.

With some people, you may say “I’m exploring this new relationship and it feels wonderful.” It’s true and simple, and at the same time doesn’t give away too much.

With others, you may choose to venture deeper into explaining what exactly feels wonderful, how’s the new connection impacting other areas of your life, and maybe even what you’re learning about yourself in the process. You’re in charge of where you go with your answers.

Just because someone asked a question doesn’t mean you have to answer it the way they expect.

Self-disclosure leads to attraction… when paced well

Self-disclosure is powerful. When done skillfully and safely, it can create not only connection — but also, attraction.

It can be sexual and romantic attraction, but not only. More broadly, I understand attraction as being engaged and curious about the other person. When you’re attracted to somebody, you want to know more about them and spend time in their presence.

This comes effortlessly and naturally, rather than trying to “build relationship” according to any sort of agenda.

Behavioural analyst Jack Schafer Ph.D. talks about the importance of emotional, rather than factual reveals for building a sense of attraction. It also matters how self-disclosure is being met. Is the other person expressing empathy and understanding — or judgment? In the second case, the revealer would obviously not feel good about what they shared. It’s more likely to shut them down than create connection.

Schafer explains that, as we meet new people, the pace at which we reveal personal information also matters:

“Personal disclosures that are too general reduce the sense of openness, thus reducing the feeling of closeness. Disclosures that are too intimate often highlight character and personality flaws, thus decreasing likeability. People who make intimate disclosures too early in relationships are often perceived as insecure, which further decreases likeability.

When people find a person whom they can trust, they are tempted to open the emotional floodgates overwhelming the object of their affection. Disclosures should be made over a long period of time to ensure that the relationship slowly increases in intensity and closeness. A steady trickle of personal information increases the longevity of the relationship because each partner continually feels the closeness that comes with self-disclosures.”

One last tip for self-disclosure, then, is this: do it gradually.

Just like a good meal, it tastes better when you allow yourself time to savour it. Swallowing everything at once may be tempting.

But if you moderate dosage over time, the exciting experience lasts longer — and nurtures, the relationship.