A simple way to empower yourself when you’re power-under
Don’t give in to victim culture
The most basic understanding of “empowerment” is driving power towards yourself. But what does it mean in practice?
We’re used to thinking about power as a given, static thing. A “power dynamic” seems to be set up alongside pre-existing roles and conditions, for example:
An employee doing a 6-month review with their boss
An “insider” in a community or group, greeting a newcomer and showing them the ropes
A father paying for a holiday with his adult children
Female-bodied person speaking to a male-bodied person in a hardware store.
In these situations, most people assume power has already been distributed. There’s not much we can do about it. In extreme cases, this can lead to victim culture, as
described it in her Substack. She speaks about dealing with victim mentality from a group facilitator’s standpoint:“Those examples are what I’d call identity group victimization, aka “I am justified in being power-under because I am a member of a socially power-under identity group. I can therefore call out members of socially power-over identity groups as misusing their power.”
Other forms of Victim in a group might be the person who is “always picked last” for a game (but who never seeks out partners), one who keeps “not being listened to” (but never makes a clear bid to speak), or who feels “unsafe in this exercise” because of some lack of context (but who played the entire game before bringing it up). All of these examples can come from legitimate concerns, certainly. But it’s a clear sign of victimization when the participant would rather discuss how the facilitator did wrong, rather than brainstorming or acting to fix the problem.”
There’s no doubt you sometimes will be power-under in a group. But next, there’s the question of what you do (or don’t) from that place to try and reclaim your power.
As a seasoned practitioner of victim-mentality, I’m gradually unlearning the expectation that other people should give me my power back. Last week, I attended a consent and boundary workshop with a group of women. We explored how to bring power back to yourself when it’s being undermined.
The context of the workshop was learning how to draw boundaries as we prepare to participate in the Scottish Celtic Burn (a local event based on Burning Man principles) in a few weeks. Burns are known to be experimental events that play on the edge of people’s boundaries — with the intention to allow for expansion.
However, to be able to do that safely, a good sense of personal boundaries and consent techniques is needed.
The facilitator of the workshop first invited us to do a personal check-in and express what we wanted to learn. From there, a conversation about power followed quickly. We explored what it means to be power-over and power-under in the context of a Burn.
Being a temporary “community” of around 100 people, Celtic Burn allows the most sociable and confident humans to present as both “insiders” and “cool people.” Those who have been to a Burn for more than a few times easily come across as “experts” or “leaders” of the Burn culture. In the workshop, we discussed that there’s often a power dynamic attached to that.
When a new person enters a Burn and encounters one of the “cool kids,” it’s easy to want to be accepted and liked. We want in. We want to belong, and hanging out with the “insiders” gives a feeling that we do. Because of that, we may be coerced to do or say things we’re not comfortable with.
This is where potential abuse of power can happen.
“Wait a second,” one of the women said at this point. “I don’t think this needs to always be true. The insider person will only have power over you if you yearn to be liked and accepted by them. If you’re approaching them with an I-don’t-care-what-you-think attitude then, even as a newbie, you can stay in your power.”
This opened up an interesting question. How much is each of us responsible for our own power, and how may we unconsciously give it away? Granted, if you enter a new environment, your instinct is to try and belong. In that sense, you’re prone to following the culture, norms, and actions presented to you by the group “insiders.”
However, this doesn’t mean you lose the power that’s inherent in your personal boundaries. As long as there’s no physical violence or abuse (which is a whole different story I’m not touching on here), you have your felt sense at your disposal. This is recourse which can tell you what you do and don’t feel comfortable with doing. This very thing is the power you can — and should — be in charge of.
No matter how “cool” or “in” the other person seems, they can’t make you do what you don’t want to.
This seems obvious on the surface. But, there’s also another layer to it.
That layer is manipulation. It’s a conscious or unconscious action of the powerful, geared towards getting you to do what they want you to. Often, this disguises as something else. In “conscious” events like the Burn, manipulation can look very “positive” — for example giving you interest, praise, and validation. However, these actions may have a hidden agenda.
One example that I experienced is being asked challenging questions. The apparent intention behind them may be curiosity or challenging my “limiting beliefs.” When coming from a person in power, however, questions like the ones below has in the past disarmed me, allowing the other to take control over the situation:
Why do you think you struggle with this so much? (exaggerating the extent to which I’m struggling)
What upset you so much? (assuming that I’m upset)
You’re so talented/good at this, shouldn’t you be using your skills for something more ambitious? (this is barely even a question)
(note: For more examples and tips how to recognize manipulative questions, see this post form Naya Lizardo)
Manipulative questions are sneaky ways to exploit your boundaries. They aren’t always obvious; sometimes, the manipulator takes their time to establish trust first and only then fires uncomfortable questions.
At the same time, this is a clear instance when we can take our power back. As soon as you feel yourself collapsing and uncomfortable with a question, remember that there are more choices at your disposal than simply answering it.
You can ignore it. You can dismiss it. You can leave the room. You can explicitly refuse to answer it. Or… you can question the questioner.
That last one seems to be one of the most straightforward ways to reclaim your power. It’s a also a tool we practiced in the workshop, coming from Kasia Urbaniak.
Kasia Urbaniak, who has been helping women claim their power for the last 17 years, explains “questioning the questioner” as a tool for shifting attention in the conversation. Often, when someone overpowers you, you go into a freeze response. They say or ask something uncomfortable, which puts the attention on you. That’s a way to make you feel powerless.
The quickest way to shift this is to put the attention back out — on the other person. If they ask you a question, don’t answer. Ask a question back at them. This will not only buy you a moment of time to collect your thoughts and strength. It will also give the other person a chance to clarify their intentions and maybe even become aware of the fact that they’ve been manipulative.
But the main benefit this technique provides is shifting power by shifting attention. As Urbaniak put it,
“When you direct the attention in a conversation, you control the conversation.”
Directing attention means shifting power. This is what questioning the questioner allows you to do. In our workshop, the facilitator asked us uncomfortable questions a woman might hear at an event like a Burn. One example was “When are we gonna go back to your tent?”
Then, each of us came up with a question we could ask in return. It could be any question, because anything you ask will shift the focus away from you. For example:
“What do you think my answer is?”
“What can we do in my tent than we can’t do here?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Do you realize how you sound right now?”
“What makes you ask that question?”
“What time is it?”
It became clear that this isn’t an easy thing to do. As women, most of us were socialized to keep the other person feeling comfortable, and felt inclined to answer the question.
But as we practiced longer, it felt more and more possible not to answer. It became clear that this simple conversation move was a way to reclaim agency over the conversation and shift power.
Coming back home from the workshop, I was thinking about all the ways in which I sometimes feel the power is taken away from me. In those situations, it’s compelling to give in to helplessness and assume that there’s nothing I can do.
This is just one step away from the victim mentality: demanding that other people give me my power back.
“I am a foreigner in the UK, and not a native English speaker. People should make an effort to speak slowly and clearly, to help me understand them.”
“I’m the only woman in a room full of men right now. They should be aware that it’s easier for them to take up space, and ask me more questions to let me in to the conversation.”
“I don’t have as much skill as X when it comes to woodworking / playing music / gardening / [insert any activity I don’t feel confident at]. They should therefore pause and check if I’m catching up.”
This is the victim mentality and further deferring of power that many people fall into at times. There’s nothing wrong with that necessarily. And sure, we should encourage those power-over to be more sensitive to the needs and experiences of power-under.
But if they don’t, let’s not claim that there’s nothing we can do. Sure, sometimes, it may be very little. But in most contexts, there is something — even if it’s just noticing our internal experiences of having our boundaries crossed.
This gives you an advantage for the next time, to be able to create strategies for keeping — or reclaiming — your power. You can practice one question you will respond with to manipulative comments from others. You can decide your cue for removing yourself next time you’re in a boundary-crossing situation.
Lastly, if your boundaries get violated sometimes, don’t beat yourself up for it. That’s only adding fuel to the fire. We don’t have to always show up perfectly in order to empower ourselves. Let’s take this journey one step at a time.
As someone said in the workshop:
“On the way to learn where your boundaries are, it’s inevitable to have them crossed sometimes.”
Ah, this was a great read and personal reflection on thinking about 'manipulation' for me, thank you.