You can turn any conversation into a connection-generating experience

If conversation was a game, what moves would benefit all players?

Do you know the kind of board games where players don’t compete with each other? Instead, they need to collaborate to get the most points.

Conversations are just like those games.

There are two or more players. Everyone makes moves, and other people respond with theirs. A relationship between the players emerges as they keep playing.

The only difference is that, in conversations, sometimes we lose sight of the points. Our score remains low as we stay on the surface, skimming over meaningless topics. We fail to pursue the main reward, which is a sense of connection.

Here’s how to change this — and score points for everyone.

The Golden Rule of Connection

Some people are better conversationalists than others. They intuitively know what questions to ask or what to disclose about themselves to create connection.

The right amount of self-disclosure builds interpersonal closeness — research tells us that much. But it’s not enough to just disclose information. What creates connection is when the speakers allow themselves to be seen without their defenses up — and make an effort to see the other person.

In my experience, this happens when you:

• speak from your own experience,

• stay in the present moment,

• notice what comes up in relation to the other person.

Connection happens when you’re “plugged in” to the present. Imagine you bump into a friend in the street. One option is to ask them about where they’re heading to, what they’ve been doing this week, tell them about a meeting you just came out of — the “usual stuff.”

A different approach is to take a moment and source from your moment-to-moment experience. For example, you could share how bumping into them impacted you:

“I’m feeling suprised and a little regretful, as I can’t stay in this conversation as long as I’d like to — I’m on my way to catch a train.”

Or maybe, you notice a desire and choose to express it:

“I feel a lot of excitement from this unexpected meeting! I’d love to chat with you in the café around the corner — would you like that?”

These kinds of present-moment shares can feel vulnerable. By speaking about your feelings, needs, and thoughts in real time, you’re dropping control over where the conversation will go. By making requests, you risk rejection.

At the same time, you’re revealing what’s true for you in the moment — and inviting the other person to do the same.

Many communication models emphasize speaking from present moment experience. In Authentic Relating, this is called the “relational level” of conversation — one that enables the most direct and meaningful communication:

“Anytime we invite another person into our present-moment lived experience exactly as it’s happening inside of us, we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and seen and heard for who we really are. We’re not hiding, filtering, distracting, projecting, or doing anything else to manage how our internal experience is perceived by others.” — ART International

How can we invite this way of being into our daily conversations?

The “Conversation Moves” that Spark Connection

Because I’m an Authentic Relating facilitator, my mind tricks me into believing that I “should” always know what to say to create connection.

The truth is, I often don’t. Relationships are more complex than any formula could ever account for. Instead of using formulas, I remind myself that I can invite connection in small, imperfect, one-step-at-a-time ways.

I think of them as “conversation moves” that I can practice as often or as sporadically as I want. This way, the conversation turns back into a game with two people scoring points for the same team.

Here are some of the most powerful moves I know.

1. Expressing spontaneous appreciation

Expressing appreciation is a no-brainer. Yet, we don’t do it enough. Especially in long-term relationships, we often assume the other person knows what we like about being in their presence.

But this isn’t always the case. And even if a person knows why you enjoy their company, it never hurts to remind them — especially if there’s something you can appreciate about this present moment with them.

I find that the most connective appreciations are about small but very specific things. Appreciating someone for how they handled an awkward situation in the shop, how they took that heavy bag off you right after you entered the house, expressing how much you like their tone of voice — this kind of praise lets the other know that you’re paying attention.

You’re not taking the gifts they bring for granted. You’re actively appreciating them.

Some examples of spontaneous appreciation:

“I appreciate you’ve checked-in about this — it brings me relief to be able to talk about it.”

“I really value the practical approach you bring to the team.”

“I appreciate that you’re taking the time to explain this to me.”

2. Asking questions from a place of curiosity

We ask questions all the time. It’s hard to imagine relationships without them. How would you possibly know what the other person is thinking, feeling, or planning? How would you get to know them?

But, there are different kinds of questions. There’s a massive difference between asking “What’s for dinner?” versus “I am curious about the face expression you made as I mentioned your mother — could you say what happened for you just then?”

The second type of question puts attention on your moment-to-moment interaction. It acknowledges the hidden layer of conversation, and brings what was unspoken to the surface.

That’s the power of curiosity.

Some examples of curiosity-driven questions:

“I’m curious, why did you change the order of the agenda items?”

“What are you prioritizing in your work at the moment?”

“Why did you feel this was important to say just now?”

3. Asking for consent

These days, we mostly speak of consent when it comes to physical touch and intimacy. But actually, consent is relevant whenever you want to do something the other person might be uncomfortable with.

Most people will appreciate if you check-in with them before delving into a sensitive topic, offering advice, or introducing a new activity. By asking for consent, you show care for the other person.

Additionally, you increase the chances they will engage with whatever it is that you’re bringing. People like having agency over what’s going on. Being asked for consent provides that.

Some examples of asking for consent:

“I have a suggestion I’d like to offer — may I?”

“I’d like to talk to you about an issue I ran into, is this a good time?”

“Are you comfortable with a hug right now?”

4. Checking for impact

Sometimes, you say or do something and don’t know how it’s been received. You may sense it had some impact on the other person. But, you can’t put your finger on it.

In those moments, it’s usually a good idea to ask.

Recently, I left a party at my friends’ house early because I was feeling tired and sad. I wasn’t aware that my leaving had an impact on those who stayed. Only a few days later I learned that it has changed the energy of the group for the rest of the evening. Some people felt dissapointed and the group cohesion was broken.

It was enlightening for me to learn this. It made me realize I’m not always aware of the impact my words and actions create. I want to ask about it more often, to better understand what supports and disrupts connection in my relationships.

Some examples of asking for impact:

“I wonder how it was for you to be in the team meeting this morning?”

“How do you feel now after hearing what I just shared?”

“How does it feel to say this out loud?”

5. Sharing impact

Just like it’s useful to know the impact of your actions on others, it’s valuable to share how others’ actionsimpacted you. This gives people information on how you’re affected by them. It gives them an insight into your part of the story.

There’s power in sharing impact in real time, as opposed to doing that in hindsight. That’s something I didn’t do during the party. Throughout the evening, there were things we did and spoke about that triggered sadness in me. Had I shared that in real time, I might not have gotten to a point where I felt I needed to leave.

When you think other people should know how their words or actions impact you — think again. It’s unlikely that others can read your mind or pick up on ever-so-subtle cues.

A more reliable way to share impact is to verbalize it.

Some examples of sharing impact:

“Hearing this makes me feel angry and dissapointed.”

“After this brainstorming session, I feel really drained.”

“The more we speak about this, the more excited I become about the idea!”

6. Reflective listening

In some conversations, you just want to offer the other person space to be. This is one of the biggest gifts we can give each other. In my experience, people want to be heard and understood way more often than they seek advice.

Reflective listening is one way to offer that. It looks simple: you basically repeat to the other person what you heard them say in your own words. Even if this sounds awkward and unnatural at first, it’s often the best thing you can do.

The creator of Non-Violent Communication Marshall Rosenberg said that “we can offer support to others not by fixing their problems, but by listening and empathizing with their experiences.” Reflective listening is the way to empathize. As a bonus, it also allows to gracefully ask for clarification and ensure that what you heard is what the person wanted to say.

Some examples of reflective listening:

“I’m hearing that you feel really tired and that you could use a break right now.”

“Let me check if I understand. You’re saying that you haven’t sent the email because you’re not sure how to present your idea, is that right?”

“What I’m getting is that you feel confused about your relationship at the moment and aren’t sure whether or not to walk away. Does that feel true?”

7. Checking your assumptions

Ah yes, assumptions. How often they go unnoticed because we simply take them to be “the truth”!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been there. I saw someone’s face expression and assumed they were feeling angry. I heard someone speak loudly and assumed it was because they were confident about their opinion. I saw someone withdraw from a conversation and assumed that was because they had nothing to add.

The trouble was that, in the moment, I didn’t see these as assumptions. I accepted them as truth. As I would often find out later, I actually couldn’t know the truth without checking my assumptions first.

A powerful way to create connection in any conversation is to ask yourself: “What am I assuming to be true for this person right now?”

Once you identify your assumption, verify it. You may learn incredible things about the other person… as well as the tricks of your own mind.

Some examples of checking your assumptions:

“I’m imagining you’re feeling annoyed with me right now, is that true?”

“If I was in your position I’d feel very excited about this — do you?”

“You seem bored. Is that what’s going on for you?”

8. Making a request based on present-moment needs

I recently wrote a whole article about making skillful requests. You can read it if you want more food for thought on that topic.

The important thing to say here is this: sometimes, making a request generates more connection than talking about feelings. Plus, it greatly increases the chances of getting what you want in a relationship.

Most people appreciate it when others make direct requests. Whenever you do that, you signal that you have a good awareness of your needs and know how to meet them. This frees the other person from having to second-guess what you say. Usually, it translates to people feeling safer with you.

Remember that a request is very different from a demand. When you request, you accept the possibility of hearing “no.” This takes pressure off of the other person and alows them to give a genuine answer.

Some examples of making requests based on present-moment needs:

“Can we pause and take a deep breath here?”

“Could you open the window?”

“I’d really love it if we could move to a different room — would it be ok for you?”

9. Setting context

As a final conversation move, here’s a bit more “meta” way of generating connection: setting context for a conversation. This is typically about naming the “why” or “what” in advance, which impacts what happens after.

Let me give an example. Imagine you want to share something that may be an emotional trigger for the other person. By letting them know in advance what’s going to happen (“I’d like to share something that may be difficult for you to hear”) and naming the reason for doing that (“I’m sharing it because I care about having a healthy and transparent relationship with you”), you’re doing two things:

1. With the “what,” you’re giving them a chance to prepare for what’s coming.

2. With the “why,” you’re letting them know your intention — which is to care for the relationship, rather than distrupt it.

I discovered that setting context in that way can create an extra cushion of safety. It brings an element of facilitation into your relationships. This can be extremely helpful when you want to have a difficult conversation without compromising on the connection.

Some examples of setting context:

“What I’m about to say may be difficult to hear but I’m sharing it because I care about you and about honesty in our relationship.”

“In this meeting, we’ll take some time to debrief on the last event, and then we’ll have an open discussion about plans for next year. It may be a lot for one meeting, so I’d like you to let me know when you need a break.”

“This is the time and space to vent, if that’s what you need!”

You Have the Power to Shape Your Relationships — Use It

Before we wrap up, I want to remind you — and myself! — about this powerful truth:

The way you show up in your relationships today shapes how they’ll look tomorrow.

When we do and say things that lead to connection, we invest in the relationship. We score points not just for our individual gain — but for the relationship as a whole.

These points add up and create a foundation for the days to come. You can fall back on it whenever your relationship is going through a difficult time.

I hope the conversation moves I outlined will be helpful for building that foundation. Let me know which ones resonate the most — and whether you’ve tried some of them already!