Why do you want to have relationships?
Starting with a rhetoric question to see where it takes us
Scroll down if you want to jump straight to upcoming relational events.
Or, read on to explore why even engage in relationships in the first place!
Hello Dear,
It’s quite obvious to me that my self-esteem is linked to the quality of my relationships. But only a few days ago, I managed to name that link clearly:
Unless my self-esteem is intact, I’m going to be self-absorbed. And, this will impact how I approach people.
My interactions will — consciously or not — have an agenda. That agenda might be me looking for validation, agreement, respect, praise... Or anything else that my relationship with myself is currently lacking.
Now, I’m not saying that wanting these things is bad. But… when seeking them becomes the primary motivator for relating to others, we lose a lot of freedom. We don’t show up for the more expansive, creative, easeful interactions.
We treat our relationships merely as “food” for our ego.
When that’s the case, it compromises our ability to be kind, honest, and authentic. And, to build our relationships on the foundation of reciprocity.
So what’s the point I’m making?
That establishing unconditional self-love is not just for your own benefit. It’s for the benefit of other beings that you come into contact with. When you have the backbone of self-love and healthy self-esteem, you can engage in relationships for other reasons than just self-preservation.
We’ll go into what those in a minute.
But first, let’s look at a few mini “case studies” of what may happen if you don’t approach your relationships with a healthy self-esteem
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Last week, I went to a group called Buddhist Practice on the Path at The Salisbury Centre. The topic we explored was the Buddhist notion of selflessness, and also — the importance of a healthy sense of self.
The leader of the group used the phrase “afflictive” to describe a self that is less than healthy. The way I think about it, it’s when our self-esteem has some dents in it, holes that are wanting to be filled.
If we show up in relationships without at least being aware of those holes, our interactions will likely be geared towards filling them. We may become self-absorbed to the point of detracting from what we’d actually want our relationships to look like.
I’m not going to cite the examples given in the group. But, inspired by them, I’d like to share a few of my own.
1. Gossip
A few weeks ago, we had a good lunch break discussion about gossip at The Salisbury Centre. Honestly, I realized it deserves a whole article to even get clear on what “gossip” means.
(And yes, I have it in my Connection Hub drafts. ;-))
For the purpose of this discussion, let’s say gossip is sharing sensational information about people who aren’t present, in the hope to get attention from those who are present.
The core element that defines gossip for me is the intention behind it. If it comes from an “afflicted self,” we may likely share information without considering the consequences. Our desire to get a moment of undivided attention blinds us from more wholesome intentions.
What’s more, whoever we are gossiping to suddenly has a lot of power over us. They are giving us what our ego desperately seeks — attention and interest. This may also pull us to go into topics we normally wouldn’t talk about and regret it later.
The lure of getting that “Oh wow, really?!” reaction can be just too tempting.
2. Drama
Drama sounds like a judgmental word — but it doesn’t have to be.
We can treat it with a bit of humor and healthy distance. Most of us step into being a “drama queen” or “drama king” from time to time. I can easily think of at least three examples from my last week.
Michael Brown, the author of The Presence Process (which was my first spiritual growth “Bible”!) defines drama as:
“Physical, mental, and emotional activity that focuses on and fiddles with effects without impacting causality.”
To avoid pointing fingers, here’s an example from my own life.
I was organising a birthday party for a friend at our shared house. One of the people I was collaborating with made a series of comments and suggestions throughout the day that I found disrespectful. By the evening, I blew up. I cried and hid in my room, taking the attention away from the b-day person and towards myself.
In my internal drama theatre I was playing the victim.
I saw myself as the one who was treated unfairly and wanted others to validate my perspective. I wanted them to come to my room and tell me I was right, and the other person — “wrong.” Of course, I couldn’t see it that way back then — I was too deeply dysregulated.
Only in hindsight I recognised that what was driving me was a wounded part of myself who wanted to repair a dent in my self-esteem.
3. Withholding
Withholding — information, gifts, generosity, favours — may be the most tangible example of when our afflictive sense of self eats away at relationships.
The healthiest and most fulfilling relationships are build on reciprocity — that is, giving and receiving. But not giving and receiving in the “keeping score” kind of way. It’s not about making a transaction, saying “if you give me this, I give you that.”
The way I understand reciprocity is that it’s giving whenever you feel it’s possible — and, receiving gracefully whatever is offered. This way, giving and receiving become two sides of the same precious coin of human connection.
In the introduction to his now classic NVC workshop in San Francisco (over a million views on Youtube), Marshall Rosenberg speaks about reciprocity as “natural giving.” In the context of relationships, he describes it as “a game that I call ‘making life wonderful,’ the most fun game I ever heard of.” But then, he goes on to point out that all too often, we give up that game for the sake of playing “Who’s Right?” instead. This drives us away from giving and receiving — and into punishing each other instead.
When my self-esteem has been low, this could withhold reciprocity in various ways.
First, I may not feel able to give, even if I have enough to share. This can be out of fear that there will not be enough for me, as well as for other reasons.
Second, I may struggle to receive — for example, because I feel undeserving or afraid that something will be expected of me in return. My ego is vigilant and doesn’t want any strings attached.
Can you relate?
All the above are examples of blocking the natural flow of reciprocity. Usually, the block happens not because we want it — but because, with the low self-esteem, we find allowing “natural giving” too risky.
Or if you’re feeling generous…
So… why do you want relationships?
Deep in my heart, I believe we all want to to be free from suffering. Do you?
Among other things, this means making love and growth the driving forces of life.
According to Buddhist philosophy, the outcomes of our actions depend on the motivation behind them. Some actions are motivated by non-virtue — for example by fear, envy, or revenge. Others can have neutral motivation behind them — for example, just going along with someone else’s plan.
And then, there is the virtuous motivation which, broadly speaking, aims to increase authentic joy and reduce suffering.
“Normally, purpose should always precede action. Very rarely a good deed or spiritual practice is undertaken without a purpose. If virtuous actions are accompanied with supreme motivations, twice the result can be achieved with half the effort.” — Khenpo Tsultrim Lodrö
(Note: In the context of Buddhism, “virtuous” or “skillful” may also be taken to a more metaphysical level of liberating oneself and others from samsara and entering other realms of being; I’m not going to go there. But I think talking about virtuous motivation applies also to the outcomes in this physical world, within all its material constraints.)
When it comes to relationships, the more virtuous types of motivation are more likely sow the seeds for the kind of relationships we know will serve us.
What I personally seek the most are those relationships that transform along with the people who create them — and at the same time, they don’t easily fall apart because of change.
When we have a healthier self-esteem, we are more likely to find those more virtuous types of motivation. Some of the motivations I found in my own life that I want to follow are:
joy
service
inquiry / growth
collaboration / support
I believe that for our relationships to be driven by these motivations, our “self-esteem cup” needs to be full.
When we’re at peace with ourselves, we are freer to choose joy, service, growth, or collaboration, instead of self-preservation.
Because this post has already gotten quite long, I will explore the above in more detail in the next post. But before we say goodbye…
Upcoming Events
Now, I can finally also name the common thread running through my spiritual practice and my external work.
Without going into lofty explanations (enough of that in this post already!), my goal in the events I organise is to help people relate to each other in a way that supports love and growth, while at the same time reducing suffering.
The events below are all motivated by this. I’m simply dropping booking links here, trusting that you’ll click on those that speak to you the most! :-)
Embodiment & Relational Tools for Facilitators and Spaceholders, 22nd September — facilitated by Ruth Friedman, I will be assisting
Authentic Connection Group, 23rd September — the theme this month is “comfort” and I will be co-facilitating with Chris
Mastering Facilitation Skills from AuthRev, starting 25th September (online) — I will be the lead facilitator, supported by Adrian Engstrom
Find Your Selves: Authentic Relating Playshop, 30th September — co-creation between Laurie King and I
Relational Presence: Embodiment Tools for Coaching at a Deeper Level, starting 7th October (online) — lead by Ruth Friedman, I will be attending as a participant
That’s all for today! Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed Connection Hub, feel free to forward this email to a friend.
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Until next time!
With love,
Marta