The power of triadic relationships

Why I shake my head when I hear that "two is company, but three is a crowd"

Welcome (back) to the Connection Hub!

This is a newsletter about community building, relationships, communication… and above all, creating meaningful connection.

As the days in the Northern Hemispehere are the shortest in the year, a couple of the next newsletters will also be shorter. This is me honouring my body’s need to rest and doing minimal work at this time of year. It’s also me sharing some not-fully-developed thoughts with you, to ask what you think.

If, after reading this week’s edition, something sparks your interest — please let me know about it! You can do it either by asking a question, sharing your thoughts, or simply pointing at the sentence of paragraph that sparked your interest. Thank you!

Okay, so now… Here’s what I’ve been thinking about triads.

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There’s something about the group size I’m in that either supports of hinders my ability to connect. I find groups challenging a lot of the time. That’s why I like facilitation so much — it brings structure to group dynamics and helps me navigate what’s going on.

When unfacilitated, I often find big groups scary. But a group of three is managable. It’s small, but it’s an exponential jump from a dyadic relationship where conversation simply goes back and forth in two directions. It invites transformation because of the different ways in which you’re showing yourself — and, being seen.

Don’t get me wrong - dyads are great. They provide intimacy. But, they can also be limiting. There’s no one witnessing your connection from the outside. You’re both entrenched in the conversation, playing out patterns that may be hard to see from the inside.

It takes the third person to be able to notice and name those patters.

A triad is a relationally rich setup. There’s only three people, but each of them can experience at least five relationships.

Let’s imagine person A, B, and C in a triad to see all of these. First, person A has a relationship with themselves. Then, they have a relationship with B. They have a relationship with C. They have a relationship to B’s and C’s relationship. And finally, they have a relationship to the whole group of three.

What’s so rich about this? Well, I’d argue that whatever relationship or interaction we’re in, it draws out a slightly different part of us. It enables a unique way of being that’s possible only in relation to this particular person or people.

In a triad, you have an opportunity to see how all those different ways of being interact with one another. The group is small enough to not split easily (unlike a group of 5-6 at a dinner table, for example). At the same time, it holds a variety of relationships that bring out different parts of you.

Triads are a way to build useful self-knowledge. It’s the kind of knowledge that allows you to build bridges between those different parts.

Imagine inviting your mother and a work colleague to lunch together. In this setup, you’ll likely experience some confusion about your identity. The co-worker belongs to a very different context and set of activities than your mum. Plus, she’s known you as a baby, child, and adolescent — and therefore has access to a completely different version of your life story. On the other hand, your co-worker is more likely to see you as an adult professional, through the lens of your skills and expertise.

The way you relate to these two people is probably very different. But when you have them together at the same table, you’ll find creative ways to mediate between these relationships.

I don’t believe in the concept of “one authentic self” anymore. I think it’s human nature to always adapt to our environment, to the cultural norms we perceive, and to what we understand as other people’s expectations. There’s nothing wrong with that. But equally, I believe that observing how and why we adapt our behavior is a tremendous source of self-knowledge.

It’s the kind of knowledge you can use to understand when you’re acting out of fear and out of love. It’s the kind of knowledge that helps you be a better person — to yourself, as well as to others.

To me, triads seem like a manageable way to reap the benefits of being in a group without overwhelming yourself. It’s also a way to build more resilient dyadic relationships. That’s because, within a triad, two-way interactions can be held and witnessed by the third person.

So when people say that “two’s company and three’s a crowd,” I tend to shake my head. Of course, there are times when you just want to be alone with a lover, friend, sibling, or mentor.

But there’s also immense richness in going from two to three. I’m curious to dig into it more.