Stopping just before burnout

As a freelance-community-organizer-facilitator-writer, I... need a break

Me, full of pleasure. Photo taken by Egle Slowlands

Hello and welcome to those who joined last week!

This is not a typical Connection Hub post — but one of these ones that need to be written. It’s a peek into my “behind the scenes.” It’s an account of what it means to be doing this event-organizing / connection / facilitation work that I have committed myself to.

It’s a letter to a friend, really. Even though I don’t know every single person on this newsletter, I like to think of you all as friends.

Over the years, I became better at detecting burnout before it happens. This post is me catching myself just before I crash.

Being employed is very different from freelancing. Obvious fact. But — and I want to highlight this — it’s not about elevating freelancing over your good old 9-5.

Each has its advantages and challenges.

In my case, freelancing feels like a blessing and a curse at the same time. I love it for nobody dictating where I need to be and when. I can fit work around other things. I can also oscillate between Poland and Scotland freely.

On the other hand, it does things to my mental health that I need to fend myself against. I am prone to overwork and overcommitting anyway. As a freelancer, this tendency is exacerbated even more because when I’m not working, I’m not getting paid.

So, I work. But how much can I fit on my plate?

As a freelancer, I expect myself to be 100% productive each day. When I speak to friends who are employed, I often hear phrases like “today I didn’t really do anything.” There are no consequences if they “waste” a day once in a while. And I think that’s right.

There will be days when, for whatever reason, your brain or body just refuses to work. It’s great to be able to honour that.

As someone who works for herself, this is hard — but I’m learning to do it. I’m learning to give myself breaks when I need them, not when I “deserved” them. Today’s post is an expression of this. I didn’t write much about connection and relationships this past week, and I couldn’t find the brain power to research anything.

So, I’m just writing a different kind of post.

Most popular “entrepreneurship” and “how to make it” advice would tell me this isn’t acceptable. If you want to “build trust with your audience,” you need to commit and be consistent. If you’re sending a weekly newsletter on your topic, just f*cking do it. Show up. That’s what matters.

And in a way, I’m showing up now. I’m showing up in the only way I know now. But how will this be received? Will this “build trust” or disrupt it? Will I seem week and like I’m oversharing?

I can’t know. But more and more, I am learning to trust my deeper gut instinct. And, to write from my heart like this today is one expression of it.

Another thing I realized I needed to do was cancel my volunteering commitments. Just yesterday, I told other Authentic FRED organisers that I’m pausing my involvement in the group until the end of August. I have also cancelled other groups that I was either hosting or supporting.

The reason? I just don’t feel I can work for free at this point.

A part of me feels a bit embarrassed saying that. As someone who identifies as a “community organizer” and “changemaker,” I expect myself to be contributing to the weaving of a New Culture — regardless of whether or not I get paid. It has been my ethos in the past few years to “serve.” It’s my identity.

But as much as I’m fond of these ideals, I need to take a different approach at the moment. Giving away so much of my skills and knowledge for free doesn’t help me value my work. And, that is something I need to complete a healthy self-image I have been building for the past years.

There’s also last thing on top of that — and that’s the most personal reason. A lot of voluntary work I’ve been doing requires holding space for people. Supporting them to get to their insights. Lots of listening. Lots of compassion directed outwards, as if it was a given that I have enough self-compassion.

I wrote about compassion fatigue last year, but I thought my own symptoms were mild. Now, I can see that they need my attention.

I facilitated a Circling session last week, and at some point I became the focus of the inquiry. People in the group spent a good 15 minutes just being there with me, helping me explore my experience through questions and reflections. And, it was exhilarating.

It felt so good to have that attention and support directed at me. It also made me aware that this is what I’m missing.

This feels quite vulnerable to say as someone who wants to be seen as a professional facilitator — but I’m going to say it anyway. I need a better balance between holding others and being held. As I host groups and workshops, my need for being held by others increases. That’s because I’ve been taking on experiences that weren’t even mine — and didn’t give myself enough time to process them.

At the moment, I’m opening myself to being held more. I have been pushing my hosting capacity quite hard. I need to take it easier and allow myself to be carried, too.

I sense myself opening to life more and more. I can see that it really isn’t just about work — no matter how important that work may seem. After all, I’m just a tiny drop of dust, stuck on a small piece of rock, that is being tossed around the Universe.

Whatever agency I have is mostly an illusion. I don’t want to spend my limited time insisting I will change the world, at the cost of experiencing my own existence.